Song Inspiration: The Scientist
Artist Credit: Coldplay (2002)
I don't talk about being baptized Mormon. Since moving back to California from Utah, I only speak of my memories of the LDS church when asked. However, I'm wrestling with the choice of my mental strategy here; defense mechanisms of both suppressing and repressing the memories of my childhood and early adolescence living in various LDS-rich communities throughout Utah. We moved... a lot.
Based on psychoanalytic theory; the idea that personality interacts with the three components of id, ego, and superego. Anna Freud (Freud's daughter), correlated the relationship, in theory, between the ego and "defense mechanisms" as "unconscious resources used by the ego to decrease internal stress..." (Bailey & Pico, 2023). There are many different ones that we personalize through our collective experiences. Once defenses become maladaptive, they may carry through psychosocial stages (Erik Erikson's Psychosocial Stages) of development as a regression (resorting to the behavior of an earlier stage).
Seek treatment from a mental health professional who specializes, or integrates, psychodynamic and psychoanalytic theory into their practice. This is encouraged when you are ready. If this is triggering for you to read as a reference in this article, please pause and engage in self-care; go!
Now, "suppression" is the "conscious decision to block ideas or impulses that are undesirable...", while "repression" is "subconsciously blocking ideas or impulses that are undesirable..." even if you are conscious at the time of it happening (Bailey & Pico, 2023). While I can most definitely apply these primary and high-level defense mechanisms to many traumatic moments throughout my story, for now, I am referencing their activity regarding my Mormon past. I feel it difficult for me to separate between the memories of these years; was there an impeccable amount of trauma induced to the point of my mental escape teetering between suppressed and repressed experiences?
Who knows. You must understand why I ventured into psychology.
The Scientist by Coldplay is my life in lyrics as it pertains to the beginning of my attempt to unravel this complex story for all of you. The purpose of this is not to "hate" or speak negatively of the Church of Latter-Day Saints. However, I will author my narrative through transparent lenses, and whatever I can cognitively uncover will be the outcome of my words. Ever since being perpetually lied to by both family and people I loved during adolescence (a particular compulsive liar, to be fair), my boundary to provide truth to others within my value of integrity has been set. Some people don't care for that, but I truly don't care. Someone has to be a trusting source in this fake society.
Anyways. My Life In Lyrics is another way for me to tell a part of my story as a way for others to connect (or not; pure curiosity is welcome). That's why I've created a journal for you to pause and write Your Life in Lyrics!
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
The first verse relates to the relational dynamic felt developing as a child with the LDS religion. During such a traumatic, depressing, chaotic, and unstable time in my life, the church felt safer than the other options our family system was facing. Drugs, alcohol, abuse... these toxic, sinful patterns engulfed my life and drained the family of finances, pride, and hope. Motivation dwindled as each basic need did. Then, my single mother could no longer afford resources to meet our survival needs. Food, water, bills... all were at risk of vanishing.
This first part of the song mimics the feeling of our LDS church ward welcoming us through shaky commitment and dedication to their testimony and expectations. However, being baptised at the age of 9 years old (we missed the mark on that one...typical; the age for LDS baptism is 8 years old). My mother snapped into survival-mode and, in order to meet our basic needs (refer to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). In a sense, we were desperate to have all of our needs met; however, out of my siblings, I was the one susceptible to sacrifice as tribute to the dedicated Mormon values, along with my mother. Was it due to being female-identifying? Who knows; the patriarchy and misogyny are areas of repression I know hold darkness my heart needs a certain level of resiliency to face without falling.
Then, my natural passion and curiosity for science became an internal conflict as the defense mechanism of "intellectualization" dominated me and created inner conflict. The "why-child" in me roared with the need to analyze each verse of the Book of Mormon and challenge the evidence behind Joseph Smith's narrative. The "intellectualization" defense is a way of emotionally distancing oneself from their feelings through researching and over-thinking as they become too overwhelming for their distress to tolerate. So, to offer my younger self the compassion she deserved during this time; this makes complete sense and became a primary maladaptive defense and value I still resort to. I've found a balance, and I continue to work on that, so this maladaptive defense mechanism is not necessarily unhealthy... until it is evidenced to be unhealthy; if that makes sense?
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Indulging in academics and competitive dance teams was the fuel to both intellectualization and "sublimation"; transforming emotions (common with exerting anxiety/anger) into both socially and culturally-acceptable behaviors that are found to be "useful" (Bailey & Pico, 2023). This defense developed through my competitive dance career, running, and unfortunately became a dominant, defense-ally, with the eating disorder I tango with to this day.
As learned more, I grew more distance from the Mormon religion that I felt chained to from the moment my cognition was developed enough to realize it was going to create complexities in my life's story. Clashing of values; causing me to feel as if I am "running in circles" and chasing my tail. Words cannot express how difficult it feels to open up about this part of my identity, but through time I will more to model vulnerable healing.
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
I left. I decided to go back to my start; California. This was incredibly difficult for my to make this decision; however, the entire time I was hand-in-hand with my intuition. The LDS values rang through my soul, ironically, as they "spoke loud as my heart" in some ways. Not all Mormon values rushed back with me to the start. In fact, I fought hard to keep all of them away. This is why I can feel it, deep in my bones, that the repression of traumatic affairs within my youth developed from the painful, agonizing memories of being a female-identifying Mormon with (what we know of) an active uterus.
Now, inactive and cut-off, I sit with the complexities of my scientific theories swerving around my Mormon-founded values as they jab and hook at the evidence-based conclusion that Joseph smith's testimony is not, in fact, the Truth. Trust me, there are people in my life and family members would cringe at the vision of that sentence and bless my soul with "Heavenly Father's blessings". I believe in God and I am spiritual in my own way.
Drenched in memories of holy altruism by the community of our past LDS ward members and the conflicting reality that their narrative does not align with my philosophy on religion, I stride in my own skin. The values I hold honor the past, present, and future of my narrative and does honor the healthy foundation of certain Mormon teachings.
Here I am; back at the start, again, as I repair my relationship with my LDS self.
Author: Ashley Lynn Simon, MS
May 23, 2024 | 6:50pm
Resources (no particular style intended):
Bailey R, Pico J. Defense Mechanisms. [Updated 2023 May 22]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559106/
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