Author: Ashley Lynn Simon, MS
Explore the ways individual family systems incorporate, tremendously, into our identity development through various stages. This article will reference Dr. Jodi Klugman-Rabb PsyD, LMFT, an outstanding psychological genius who developed the Parental Identity Discovery. I was honored and grateful to be a student in many of her classes at the Dominican University of California while earning my M.S. degree!
Why begin with our family system(s)?
From birth, it's when our ink first meets the page of our narrative as the author of our lives. Family is the invisible entity guiding the hand of infancy as we learn how the basics. Resources that are available to us are the tools we have without, necessarily, our control.
Childhood is a powerless time. We are susceptible to endure divorce, financial problems, addiction, abuse, grief, and anything from little "t" to capital "T" traumas. Just as well, our experiences are actively being absorbed and processed within our brains to create neural pathways that essentially strategize life. So, when you receive cognitive therapy interventions, these are evidence-based in their efficacy due to the real-life magic of neuroplasticity as we connect and fire new cognitive associations. That's for another time!
Why does this correlate to family systems and developing individual identities? Well, because family systems are the primary, secure bases of our attachment. The primary caregiver we chose typically earns the title through the trust developed with repair, rupture, return, and most importantly, consistent meeting of infant needs as a parent or primary caregiver (non-biological is possible).
That being said, during childhood, not only are we reliant on that primary caregiver, but we are also legally bound to this family system unless unique circumstances occur. Both unhealthy and healthy patterns within the family system will impact our identity. As our experiences unfold, our schemas develop.
Schemas are patterns of thoughts and behaviors our brain organizes into categories to make meaning and sense of their relation to navigating the world. These accumulate through time and, if we allow, can be adaptive, or flexible. Have you ever heard of maladaptive, or inflexible, cognitive patterns (everybody can raise their hands)? That's when we are consciously or unconsciously choosing not to allow any other methods of change to occur for better outcomes. When we are tumbling in cycles of experiences within a family system providing chosen patterns, that becomes comfortable. It's what we know; schema!
Psychology aside (is that even possible?), there are also circumstances of intersectionality (social and political identities), environments, and many other external systems (sociology) influencing our identities. Remember all of those sports teams or theatre performances you were forced to go through as a child? Those experiences coexist within your schema now; all of them. As we develop through adolescence, we are afforded opportunities, if we take them when provided, to "play", socially, and include further identities based on experiencing other products of peers' family systems. This continues throughout young adulthood as love and relationships become prioritized. So let's take it even further back for a moment.
In Dr. Klugman-Rabb's article, she states:
"Identity is fostered when we know who will look after us, what we’re valued for and our value offered to the group. Our ancestral connection also tells us what to take pride in: national pride, racial pride, religious pride, even sports team pride. The stories of our past become the narratives of our identities." (Klugman-Rabb, 2018).
Have You Ever Heard of a Genogram?
If you haven't buckle in! This is a fantastic tool to address Dr. Klugman-Rabb's statement. It's true; our DNA and ancestral connections are the foundation of our unconscious identities. In her blog post linked above, she speaks about her intuitive draw to Scotland as feeling random until she discovered her true DNA (read her blog for more on her story and theory!). Similarly, I had an intuitive draw to The Cliffs of Moher, Limerick, and County Claire in Ireland. Well, it turns out I have 24+% Irish DNA and a close descent from the immigrant rebel community within that exact area (yes, my mind was blown).
With this information, I understood my identity in ways that felt so organically fulfilling within my entire purpose. That expanded the scope of who I was and added deep, foundational meaning to my identity.
Furthermore, while in Dr. Klugman-Rabb's Family Systems course, within our first unit we were given the genogram assignment. I could not be more grateful and appreciative of this assignment! The opportunities gave me the chance to connect with grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, and more family members who were available; all to resonate and reflect on the familial foundation we shared. For a brief moment, all unhealthy patterns and relationship dynamics felt so small in the summary of our ancestral narrative.
Within genograms, you are to document medical history, mental health disorders, intersectionality influences, relationship dynamics, affairs, and more.
I walked about with a fruitful, well-rounded persepctive of maternal and paternal family circumstances. Genograms humanize family systems and threads patterns back to the beginning. This may be a traumatic event, health difficulty, immigration, deaths; that is why you want to put on your detective hat and gather all the clues.
For structure, I recommend the following:
Set a boundary on how far back you go through generations. I encourage trying to target back to great-great grandparents.
If you have access or funds to complete a DNA test, although not always completely accurate, do it. This will give you at least an idea and they are consistently upgrading and updating research in individual accounts!
Check out free online genogram tools! There are plenty of platforms to choose from, or, if you're like me, using creativity to draw your own deepens the connection to the activity. I decided to decorate mine and color coordinate because they can get rather chaotic if that's what your family system reflects through generations! That's how transgenerational transmission of family patterns also thread into your identity.
Begin with either side first, but focus on small, achievable goals. Unless you have purchased time in session with a psychotherapist, this activity may be a time investment if you want to truly gain everything you can out of the experience and reflect on changing negative feedback loops in the current generation (and onward).
Deeply reflect on this information. Take time to journal (set 2-30 mins., or however your schedule allows) and externalize thoughts and emotions. Intertwine the information of your ancestors to your narrative as it applies to your identity, today. If you have a long line of generational trauma, please consider self-care time to transition into daily life. If it feels exponentially painful, seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in EMDR and trauma-focused therapeutic approaches.
Let's Normalize That is modeling the powerful use of human connection and authentic, vulnerable storytelling. By embracing our vulnerable stories and allowing flexible cognition on an individual basis, I feel we can ripple effect through society. Imagine embracing our humanistic, ancestral drive to intertwine within each other's narratives instead of isolating and rejecting them. With the acceptance of healthy external systems to change negative feedback loops through vulnerable sharing, and re-evaluation of how we choose to author our life stories, maybe we can learn to approach one another with curiosity and active listening to break the negative feedback loops within society.
Written by: Ashley Lynn Simon, MS
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