Inspired by Mac Miller's Self Care
...
I got all the time in the world, so for now I'm just chillin'
Plus, I know it's a, it's a beautiful feelin'
In oblivion, yeah, yeah
Oblivion, yeah, yeah
Oblivion, yeah, yeah
...
Do we?
Yet, growing complacent to the spinning motion develops a layer of ironic comfort and stability. This manipulated feeling controlled me for so fucking long.
Oblivion became my daily home. Self-care wasn't reviving my life.
...
I switched the time zone (yeah), but what do I know? (Yeah)
Spendin' nights hitchhikin', where will I go?
I could fly home (yeah), with my eyes closed (yeah)
But it'd get kinda hard to see, that's no surprise though
And you could find me (yeah), I ain't hidin' (yeah)
I don't move my feet when I be glidin'
I just slide in (yeah) and then I roll out
...
Running away from my problems over and over again until there was nowhere left to go. I scoundered every corner of the Bay Area; from San Francisco to Petaluma, California.
Nothing was meant for me. The people who have felt safe are moving on, as they need to do in their own lives.
And I sit here rotting in feelings of anxiety keeping me locked in woken consciousness. Insomnia on a loop; tangoing with my thoughts for the perfect storm.
The medicine I need is self-care, yet the feeling of anxiety guilts and shames my intentions.
An urgency develops each night as adrenaline rushes my nervous system like a waterfall of electrical currents that flood every sense of my body.
That's how anxiety feels to me. So I go on autopilot.
I do this to forget the trauma that has damaged my vagus nerve to the point of constantly sensing nonsensical danger.
But my body can't tell unless I make active associations and focus on feeling the outcomes of my brave endurance through this exhausting life.
I won't be defeated, though. That's not who I was born to be. This pull has been such a deeply carved, pounding, aching feeling I've chosen to hold onto.
For what? The self-critic that has caused you to feel too scared to take yourself off of autopilot your entire life? - Ashley's thoughts...
Future-focused autopilot was the strategy I used to navigate my life, until now. Recognizing the opportunities to face the factors of my life that were not working and needed change was the bravest thing I have ever done until now.
Braver than moving myself from Utah to California at the age of 15 to begin yet another school (6+ schools are a part of my narrative from the age of approximately 6-15 years old).
I was chasing the future that I believed would be the key to my escape attempt. I faced it then, and it added growth to my development, as hard as I fought it at that time.
Because all I wanted were the financial privileges that alleviated the existential anxiety and intergenerational trauma of living a low-income life in modern-day society. As I tried to treat my mental health and heal, I made it worse by not facing the truth of where and who I stem from in this world.
I come from a level of low-income that forced us to survive off of LDS church donations. This community that, although I never felt my faith align with despite being a distant relative of Joseph Smith and feeling the inflicted guilt of that, truly deserves the gratitude I feel for their heroic deeds every day. The church community, and the selfless actions of my father who provided what he could from a distance (and is Catholic, by the way). More on all of that another time.
There is a whole Mormon identity that falls into my historical application of the avoidance mechanism to control the outcome of my life. There's bullying from those in Utah and private school girls in Marin. I ignored the impacts for so long and covered my insecurities with a mask resembling someone who was "just fine".
I'll never reveal identifying features, though. I will always respect another's story; I don't need theirs to enrich my own. If what I speak of facing feels personalized, then I invite you to reflect on why and reach out to me for a transparent, adult conversation and clarity.
By no means is my goal in My Life In Lyrics to hurt those who intentionally, or unintentionally, wounded me. It's to show others they can conquer you, as well, within their own narratives and my own. The vagueness of identities within my own stories also creates a blank canvas for you all to apply meaning from your own life.
You have been offered the opportunities, through both my experiences and the musical stories of others, to take back your power as we all have done through facing our narratives through the energetic connection of communication and rhythm.
Stay tuned.
For now, Mac Miller's song embodies the ongoing search for a fulfilling life that has been right in front of me. In my own interpretation and alignment with my life, I misdefined the meaning of "self-care" and distorted it into a series of poor choices, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and meaningless, empty sexual relations that replicated a fleeting feeling of being wanted.
Ironically thats what I've been chasing my entire life; the feeling of being wanted and loved. Yet, ask anyone from my adolescence, and I wouldn't disagree with them if they stated I went about it the wrong way. In fact, I only hope to one day hold conversations with those from my past if they feel the need to heal from my choices made within my story.
I was fueled by resentment, anger, and revenge. But why? Where did that all get me? Absolutely nowhere because truly, I felt the agony, too, as my empathic self absorbed the consequences of my decisions and behaviors.
It placed me further into autopilot, as the baggage piled higher and higher. I chose to both allow others to take advantage of me, my youth, and my appearance and abuse it, scaring my authentic self away and replacing her with a cold, hardened heart and a far too logically-driven mind.
Tell them they can take that bullshit elsewhere (yeah)
Self-care, I'm treatin' me right, yeah
Hell yeah, we gonna be alright (we gon' be alright)
With that said, now, I know I will be alright. Avoidance isn't an option and neither is living a narrative manipulated by false internalized narratives that have been projected onto me by society my entire life.
Self-care is and always will be, prioritized on a deeper level than pampering myself (also fun, but sometimes we need more).
Self-care redefined its meaning in my life recently.
Self-care means taking my life back by choosing to hold myself accountable to face what needs to be changed.
Self-care is retraining the inner self-critic to be more compassionate, patient, and imperfect.
So, Hell fucking yes, I will be alright. I am.
Now, I am taking my bullshit elsewhere and treating myself right.
Autopilot is no longer a setting in my mind. In the most difficult times, the resilience I've developed with my growth and intelligence deserves the trust it has earned.
I've grown, learned to love authentically, and live to heal with society by facing what needs to be spoken about. Let's Normalize That's foundation is built upon the things that have allowed my feelings of anxiety to escalate to the point of self-harm, isolation, and choosing to allow my already broken soul to be repeatedly tortured by another's goal to meet their needs.
I have felt, experienced, and thought more than you can even begin to understand as it relates to the fake aesthetic I hid behind for years.
Well, here I am now.
You bet your ass it'll receive it, and self-care is the remedy to the love that'll fuel my spirit as I discover the rest of my story.
And face my life in lyrics to heal together in supportive fierceness and triumphant, underdog-style victory.
We gonna be alright (we gon' be alright)
Author Ashley Lynn Simon, MS
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