We live in a wandering society; wondering in silence and missing plots, interpretations, meanings, and connections as we navigate our narratives. The missing piece is our biggest source of power; communication.
Author: Ashley Lynn Simon, MS, AMFT, APCC
written: August 18, 2024
Why Do We Choose Not To Talk To Each Other?
While we sit in curiosity about mutual intentions, thoughts, behaviors, and follow-throughs; why do we torture ourselves and each other?
"Torture" seems like a strong wording; however, the emotional torture of being in a never-ending loop of questioning is agreeably a feeling of agony at times. We may jump to romantic relationships as the top, go-to example of a dynamic that typically experiences less-than-satisfactory communication exchanges at one time or another. Nobody is going to get it right 100% of the time. The accountability and healthy, collaborative choice to change, grow, and improve by taking these misses as lessons is the important part to follow through on.
I'd like to broaden the examples because we limit ourselves in only viewing communication avoidance in the context of romantic relationships. Consider communicating to your boss at work, or the other way around. How many times has this felt purposefully avoided or dreaded due to our meaning-making attempts? That's just what our brains do; they love knowing what comes next in our stories to prepare to that particular outcome.
What do you think we are doing to ourselves by choosing not to communicate directly, or even at all?
We don't want to embarrass ourselves, right? The feelings of shame, disappointment, sadness, frustration; these don't feel necessarily good. They feel uncomfortable so we avoid the conversation completely. It feel unsafe, mainly to our egos. Our minds have created an outcome that hasn't even been given life to unfold because we've chosen to dodge it all together.
Sound familiar? Do you relate?
I'm going to provide psychoeducation with tools to develop a blueprint in navigating conversations. Why? We need to start communicating to one another. There are a plethora of reasons why: mental health benefits; community building; healthy collaboration; empathy development; clarity and information gathering; genuine human connections that we all need (even if you try to convince yourself and others you do not need anyone). Communication is healing. It is growth, connection, and progress. Why take these victories away from yourself? No matter what, it will be a win-win outcome. The responses will be answers moving you forward from the "stuck", or "griclocks" we get ourselves into by not communicating transparently.
David beat Goliath using ability over effort. We have the abilities to healthily engage in fruitful dialogue with one another; why place efforts in avoiding this win-win situation?
Guess what? We can choose to change this within ourselves!
We can hold ourselves accountable and start communicating our truths. Not passively, not aggressively, but assertively. I'll break them each down.
Passive Communication
Think of "passing by the conversation". Is fear of speaking up, and oftentimes leads to avoidance and non-direct dialogue patterns. One may find themselves holding their truth back or "beating around the bush" on a topic by addressing needs of others and dismissing their own. Misunderstandings will happen. Remember, nobody reads each other's minds; our communication is the outlet of our psyche. We need to formulate messages that encompass our needs, and the information we choose or need the other(s) to receive. Passive messages equal missed opportunities to empower your truths and needs.
Aggressive Communication
Think of those moments of dialogue driven by reactivity; often driven by projections, anger, fears, judgements, [unspoken/spoken] expectations, shame, and guilt. It truly depends on each individual context and personal exchange. Aggression can also translate to defenses. Some tend to have developed hardened defenses overtime, causing reactivity in a sudden assumption they're being verbally criticised, judged, shamed, blamed, or attacked. Aggressive communication may stem from unmet needs, as well (starting to see a trend here?). Inflexibility is a driving force, as well, and this may come in the form of cognitive, or even emotional as the person chooses to remain in a reactively aggressive state; creating a hostile environment. Of course, the other person receiving these aggressive messages may shut down their system as their nervous system spikes. In other circumstances, they may also become aggressive in their communication, causing the dialogue to escalate to potentially negative outcomes like arguments and fights.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
This term gets thrown around loosely. Oftentimes I question if some people have sat with the true definition. Typically, I observe this misuse when referring to passive communication When a person is passive-aggressive in their communication, they may not be releasing all of the information and holding resentment. By not releasing their true emotions, thoughts, or needs, negative emotions brew underneath the surface. These negative emotions effect their actions and behaviors, causing confusion. How would the other person receiving these passive-aggressive messages know how to respond to meet needs accurately? Again, humans do not read minds, we need to use our power of communication to connect in ways that benefit both parties for a desired outcome.
Assertive Communication
The golden nugget; assertive communication! This person is speaking their truth in a respectful, confident, and transparent way. What this does is builds trust in the relationship, whatever dynamic may be at play. Exchanges like this is a relationship with that person in that period of time, or ongoing. The thoughts and feelings of each person are being considered and respected through the course of the conversation. A safe environment is developed to hold a space for honesty, vulnerability (to each individual's comfort levels), and healthy communication. Transparency is guiding the genuine connection in this style. Human intuition recognize authenticity! Still be yourself while using the assertive communication style; it doesn't have to be robotic or "textbook scripted". Be yourself, just with honesty communicating of needs, thoughts, and feelings, while respecting the other person doing the same. Hint: "I feel..." statements are great training tools to get into the habit of involuntarily applying that pattern on a daily basis.
Bottom Line...
Life is short. Tell each other your truths. You never know when the opportunity to may be taken away. We have the ability to communicate, whether verbally or nonverbally, so use it! Remember, use the ability over the efforts of avoidance or defensive reactivity. Now you have a blueprint to follow, some psychoeducation, and the reasoning to choose to be assertive to the person you've been wanting to connect with on a deeper level with, resolve a conflict with, finally communicate your love for with; whatever your need is that you haven't chosen to meet yet, or answer you have been avoiding due to the fear of receiving the one you aren't comfortable holding the emotions and thoughts for. Breathe. It is a win-win for you no matter what; the answer may sting at first, and it is finally an answer to move you forward. It also may feel incredibly good and fall into the answer you desired, needed, and hoped for. Either way, you will survive and be better off!
Author: Ashley Lynn Simon, MS, AMFT, APCC
Date: August 18, 2024
#mentalhealth #healthandwellness #lifestyleblog #blogger #LNT #influencebeinghuman #letsnormalizethat #functionalskills #communicationskills #relationshipskills #growth #personaldevelopment #professionaldevelopment #psychology #therapy
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