Perfectionism is a trait that can develop into anxiety disorders, OCD, etc. Read more to lean into psychoeducation as it may support your story. I also offer my narrative as a human hand to hold if you feel alone or have ever felt dismissed in your healing journey.
Defining Perfectionism (Not a mental health disorder):
"Perfectionism" is a personality trait, not a mental health diagnosis. Philosophically, perfectionism in society is the idea that "being perfect" as humans can be attained, and thus should be attained. This belief can cause unattainably high expectations for an individual to strive to meet. Internal pressure to achieve flawlessness in accomplishments and/or looks is another timely part of the cycle. This can cause an extreme fear of rejection and develop into more mental health problems.
While attempting to be the real you, you are hiding your authentic identity form those who could otherwise be drawn to you...
Procrastination, missing work or school (especially if your boss/teacher is narcissistic or judgemental), becoming a sudden homebody when usually you're not, inauthentic attempts to make others believe you're perfect (photoshop, face contouring for hours, overspending for fake anything to hide your authentic self...), are examples of daily dysfunctions that a mental health professional needs to treat with you.
Perfectionism can develop into high-risk symptoms, such as suicidal ideations, if the feeling of inadequacy continues to escalate. Additionally if left uncared for, eating disorders, anxiety, OCD, etc could develop; however, everyone is different and it is always best to seek support from a mental health professional.
I know if I had been ready to face this in high school, the eating disorder I live with, trauma, and anxiety would have felt more manageable throughout my 20s, the pandemic, transitions, health issues, etc.
You are self-evaluating your actions, body, performances, relationships, and overall life as a report card maintaining a 4.0 GPA...
Perfectionism can develop as a healthy protection to self-motivate through adversity. In my story, perfectionism was a core strategy while navigating a very traumatic and chaotic childhood drenched with narcissistic abuse (NVS survivor) from so many angles (my psychotherapist is MVP!). Unfortunately, I became attracted to the horrible treatment I was receiving and have routinely sacrificed my own needs to be "good enough" and "matter" in this world as it appeared to others. The cognitive dissonance grew with each developmental experience.
I was baptized LDS (Mormon). Another "perfectionistic" role I adopted for the cultural expectations was "competitive dancer". The religion, alone, holds a passively spoken value of "perfectionism", and when you pair it with the expectations of athletes in Utah, it's overwhelming! For example, I have a memory of our Varsity Dance Team my freshman year being punished for hours or withheld from water and food if our performance wasn't perfect or we didn't win 1st in each category. Dancers in Utah, during that time (2010-11) were pushed to the bone; I'd feel surprised if I was alone in this.
I've observed this impacting everyone in Utah; Mormon or not. Female-identifying people are held to high standards of fake tanning, platinum blonde hair, fake eyelashes, and masked emotions, you name it. I cannot imagine who I may have become there, nor do I have to worry any longer. I keep reminding the Trauma I hold that it is okay to let go now and I am safer than I was then in my own skin as this authentic Ashley is now. The one who found her voice after leaving Utah, and who has fought (too hard at times) to keep it since.
On the contrary, there is another piece of the perfectionistic culture that is purely religious, as the woman is expected to be "pure" and withhold the standards of male dominance in the misogynistic household. Not always with all families in the Mormon religion; however, the culture seeps into the threads of those trying to coexist within it. It can feel like a toxic barrier keeping you from your needs and community if you do not surrender to perfect expectations (what they say will get you to Heaven). I thought, "Wow, I better marry wisely because you are signing away your identity for existential dread and a whole mental health journey". Anyone from my youth, I am sure, is not surprised I am single and childless at this age.
In one world (California), I was a "perfectionistic Ashley" who could no longer be bullied, or abused. This Ashley knew how to use her female voice to release the mind that would make any narcissist/abuser piss themselves with rage. In the other world (Utah), I was "small, insignificant, not good enough, victim Ashley" who was developing an intense reliance on her new best friend, the eating disorder. I remember feeling so free and excited to be back in Marin County sophomore year, only to fall into other narcissistic cycles rooted within the dynamics of truly very manipulative people in high school who met their needs at the expense of those who fell for it. It isn't a weakness, though, because we grew stronger, and became better humans for it.
Marin County and Utah are vastly different, culturally; however, the narcissism remains. That broke my heart when I moved to escape the same thing I was entering. Perfectionism in Marin seems to focus on attempts to use family wealth to attempt to be viewed as superior (a lot of arrogance and entitlement mixed with the pressure to be). Ironically, these cultures draw an eerily dark parallel that damages generations, nonetheless.
It's a toxic socioeconomic narcissism that bleeds from those laboring over the wealthy people's needs. The Marin narcissism hardened the protective perfectionism I have used for years; turning it from healthy to unhealthy as I set higher and higher standards due to my past core beliefs. The goal has always been to be religiously independent of the LDS church to break unhealthy family patterns for healthier ones. The perfectionism I describe here is the hostage, Hell I've held myself in for over 2 decades now, and it all dances around my healing process.
As difficult and painful as this has been to face, it is worth the healing outcome. Your perfect self isn't perfect. That part of you is the most imperfect part that will hold you back. If you aren't learning to love yourself, nobody will and the narcissists will find you. It is the wounded part of your past self hiding until you face the fears holding that part hostage. As someone healing through Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS), I have developed a thick layer of perfectionistic protection as a self-defense. I am 28 years old and NOW this is all clicking. Let's normalize that! Healing works best when it is done imperfectly!
If you don't feel that right now you can believe in yourself, then trust me, I believe in you!
Author: Ashley Lynn Simon, MS, AMFT, APCC
June 18, 2024
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